#if thats what happens then ill have to kill myself basically

[snapcracklepop-myjoints]

"I found a paper that talks about the same thing I'm writing about which means I'm not completely unhinged and drawing wholly unfounded conclusions"

vs

"Someone already published a paper on this which means I'm unoriginal my work is derivative this paper is useless and I'm never gonna make it"

Fight !!!!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[arolesbianism]

Alright I cracked and made a playlist for my very early stage concepts for an oni role swap au time to give Jackie some more songs that make her look just oh so pathetic (because she is)

[stovetoast]

pillow tpot headcanons (long ramble expanding on the ocd part under the cut)

ok so first warning: i am not a psychiatrist. this isnt a super educated essay on ocd, just me projecting my lived experience onto an object show character. this is just an observation. if i get something wrong feel free to correct me, ill add it here. (its also worth noting i am self diagnosed. not "quick google search" self dx though, ive gone over it with a therapist and everything)

and that leads into the second warning: this ramble will get a tad bit personal sorryyyy

and finally the third warning: i put she/it on the ref but im just using she/her for simplicity (+ i forgot LOL(

anyway so yeah i think that pillow has ocd and is basically the embodiment of "letting intrusive thoughts win" except like. actually. this headcanon didnt stem from the killing or the strange impulses though, i think she has it because of her fixation on good and bad luck in tpot 10.

for me it manifests in a few different ways. my main one is counting—i have good luck numbers and bad luck numbers. i need to take a specific number of snacks every time i have a bowl of them. i have to shake medicine bottles a certain amount of times before taking them. i am always counting the "syllables" of whatever im doing, and it always has to land on a multiple/factor of my lucky number. and if i break any of this, i (generally, if i cant convince myself its fine or if i dont notice) have to count to my lucky number otherwise something bad will happen. hell, i added more flags to this ref because the number of them was my unlucky number.

i have a few other things that affect it that are completely unrelated to counting, though. like a particularly bad one is that i straight up cant wear certain articles or clothing anymore because theyre bad luck. or my ungodly long night routine (which is probably more of an autism thing tbh. but certain parts of it are absolutely influenced by the ocd, like having to say goodnight to my dog).

that ^^ is what i saw in pillow. she was distraught that her team lost in 9, because not only did she think she was doing the challenge right, but killing people (bringing death) was good luck for her.

i think her killing people was a compulsion, and her whole thing in 10 was her scrambling to find a new one after that stopped working.

and before anyone tries to be all like "oh thats fucked up why would they portray ocd like that," one: i dont think this was on purpose this was just an observation, two: i mean..... fuck dude if i lived in a world where revival was incredibly accessible and one of my compulsions were to kill people, id do the same thing. death is fairly normal in bfdi, to the point everyone literally has a kill count on the fandom wiki (hers is 13 as of tpot 11 btw, a commonly unlucky number ironically enough. if she gets eliminated in 12 with an unlucky kill count thatd be so funny). once they get past the pain, its. really just an inconvenience to them.

when it comes to ocd, you. HAVE to do these things. its not a choice until you can get some outside help with it, and oftentimes its an inconvenience to those around you. i dont think its right for her to be going around killing her team, but when i get past the fact that is literally what made her my favorite, i get where shes coming from. shes trying to help in a way she "knows" will work.

or maybe shes just silly idk

[glisterdemon]

Procrastination kills me lol I had the drawing finished just was a little lazy to write a big paragraph

Again, because I like to do this to myself, I'm gonna ramble about the og quest Cuphead and what I didnt like/ What I changed :>

Enjoy Will talk briefly about Death, Alcohol and gambling abuse soooo ye. It's at the end though.

Like I said in Mugs I dont think that the cup bros will join Bandy, Boris and Felix on the quest. Now on to the og... yay... First of all in the original it seemed like the og was only for the purpose for shipping. Which I dont want. So that won't happen. Now I didn't write a lot on what I didn't like but this man is not perfect in any way but one thing that I found interesting and kept is the manipulative nature of him. Because he is a villain I just wanted him to have no pleasant qualities. Even to the extent that he is not the greatest to his own little brother. Basically he has a kill or be killed mentality. I kept his age the same and even his outfit. If I remember I said I was gonna talk about Elder Kettle. To be fully honest I kinda forgor ._. ANYWAY Elder Kettle was Cupheads and Mugmans only kind of father figure/ parent. Childhood wise Cup would be your typical trouble child as Mug was more skittish. I would think that once Elder Kettle passes, most likely of old age, Cup does not take it lightly. He goes to alcohol and gambling (you can see where this is going). So like in the original it was said that the Ink illness was caused/ brought back by Cup gambling and losing. I'm not sure how to plan this. I don't know if I wanna keep that or like Cup and Mug find an ancient cave in the Casino or something. Thats all I can think of at this moment of writing this. If you do read this and you have questions feel free to ask so I can think about it and better explain it. Should I make a different blog making a Reimagining of qftim... IDK :> Let me know in the comments or somethin I've never done an ask blog type thing so tips will be appreciated. I wanna do my own ask blog type thing in the future so ye! Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk

[starwikia]

suicide cw

look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am. 

ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.

this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.

He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!

you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.

it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions. 

what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT. 

am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!

yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).

The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.

[heremob]

Top coolest animals that i REALLY like (reminder i'm not a specialist/biologist or anything, i'm just super into researching animals! so if you have anything to add or anything to correct feel free to do so! i love learning :D)

Those fellas are super cool looking! they are called the vampire deers! those are a group of species that aren't necessaraly true deers, that name is given for deer lookin mammals! Thats why the Mouse-Deer (That isnt a true deer) is in the Vampire deer group because of their lil fangs

But its mainly associated with musk deers (that if im not mistaken aren't true deers) or the barking Deer! (That do have antlers unlike most vampire deers that only have their fangs >:D) that are in fact true deers.

Wolverines / skunk bear / glutton / woods devil /carcaju and etc Those angry devils, incredibly cool dudes. Even tho they look like little bears they are mustelids! a family that includes otters, weasels, badgers, ferrets and etc. Just like their cousins they are ANGY really angy >:( so don't get close because they DON'T wanna be friends (they are hard to find in the wild so that is already really hard to happen)

Starting with their habilities, since they live in extremly cold places, they developed over the years a thicc hidrophobic oily fur! basically they are 💥ANTI-WATER💥 to adapt tho those really snowy environments and survive! and also avoid heat loos because of the blood of their prey/water. They also have incredbly good smelling habilities, let's just say that isn't easy getting food in that deadly cold, they do in fact have a vast food menu that goes to fruits and dead bodies but that's not easy to find! so they have a incredibly sensitive nose to track their great meals, dosen't matter if it is freezed, they have teeth and claws made to rip off that cold meat! Personally they are my favourite mustelids :3 lov yapping about them

PINK FAIRY ARMADILLO! Look at this silly, they are the smallest armadillos in the world (around, they are super cute.

But its hard to know much about them because they don't have much info but ill try!

Why they are pink? They are this collor because of their blood vessels that are close to their shell, and that with their white fur helps them with their body temperature since they live in really hot places on Argentina's center. (un beso a mis hermanos de argentina)

But do not be mistaken because they are GREAT scavengers because of their big claws.

Smilodon Populator I myself am a big fan of ancient felines (such as machairodus and cave lions) BUT I SPECIALLY LOVE THE SMILODON because guess what? The first ever fossil of a Smilodon was found in Brazil!

Enough of yapping about Brazil and more Smilodon yapping, specially the Smilodon populator aka the biggest saber-tooth species in history! They lived during the pleistocene period (Pleistos + kainos) and those kittens lived along-side humans! Aw, How cute.

But you see, those sabers aren't really that effective, they needeed to hunt their preys surgically, trow them on the ground with their big paws, and kill them by bleeding with a SPECIFIC bite on the prey's neck, probably, because of that their sabers would break alot, thats why most of the skulls are found with one loosing tooth.

Even tho they are called the Saber-Toothed Tigers they aren't close to tigers because they are not on the True panther (phantheranae) family or ""True big cat family"' so i can say, they are on a extinct sub-family named "Machairodontinae" not close to True Big cats or Avarge Cats (felinae) even.

[ryuatewater]

what happened why is there mass genocide of anons???

glad im not anon

wait-

-📟

Well its from the anonverse uh ill explain it all wait

Okay so you know @/a-narcissists-warren right?

Funny thing they have their asks open and answer non question like stuff (basically just talking)

Well my friend started talking to them in anon while also adding an anon sign off so Afonso could recognize em (they used the 💽🎞 emoji combo)

And Afonso always* drew a little doodle when answering them, they even drew the anons and gave them unique designs based off their emojis

When I saw my friend talking to Afonso (who is literally my idol) I ofcourse wanted to do it too so I sent in a few asks (one or two asks really because i was nervous and shy) ALSO using an anon sign off (though i got the short end of the stick because my anon sign off had stuff to do with trees my lil guy was a tree too)

Then new anons started appearing so Afonso started drawing them designs too

People REALLY loved the designs and everything was going jolly

Then Notepad anon made an account for their anonsona

Everyone LOVED the idea and started making accounts too

The anons were interacting with eachother, drawing eachother fanart, blah blah blah everything was so fun and jolly!!

Heres the most recent pic i have of the anons btw

BTW THIS IS DRAWN BY @a-narcissists-warren SORRY FOR THE TAG

BUT there was a certain anon (I've seen a few names used for them like funny, odd, creepy but most common was silly anon so ill just call em that) silly anon had an account way before they started sending asks to Afonso

I wasnt there to see it myself but from what ive heard Silly Anon is canonically a child, back when the account first started people sent "asks" to silly anon just brutally murdering them woth gory descriptions that i wont be talking about now, this of course affected the child a lot and the kid grew up to be extremely violent (they were canonically 7 years old when they started sending asks to Afonso i believe) they also closed their own ask box because they were scared of getting hurt again

Silly anon would brutally kill people if not given enough candy (they of course loved candy bc theyre a literal child) so there was a full on massacre that happened because silly hadnt eaten enough candy to calm down

I believe it was here when we learned of a power Afonso had, they could draw in the air with their finger and anything they drew became real! But if they drew too much theyd experience a burn out where their hand was literally burnt and they couldnt draw properly

So Afonso started drawing candy for silly anon and when they couldnt draw because of a burn out they went and bought some for them

Afonso also tried to treat silly well and made them feel welcome (acting like a parental figure in my opinion)

So silly started trusting Afonso

Afonso drew all the dead people back to life and everything was alright again

Timeskip to when sillys canonical birthday came, they were turning 8 years old, they made a post about it and tagged every anon, everyone gave silly candy and sweets!! It was going so well until ONE ANONYMOUS ASSHOLE stabbed silly anon, silly healed quickly but was enraged, seeing red even, the ask box closed back up and silly went on another rampage literally killing EVERY ANON THERE IS and they were killing these anons using methods people ued on them, making the anons live trough sillys trauma

Okay so every anon was dead, Afonso was outside while all this was happening so when they came back they were horrified, every anon was dead and silly was so mad they even wanted to kill Afonso but Afonso started crying about how they couldnt make silly feel better, become a better person and theyve done all that they could

Silly dropped their weapon and hugged Afonso falling asleep on their shoulder because they were exhausted from all that killing, they breathed out a white gas from their mouth recovering every anon thats body was still intact and not turned into a pile of gore

Afonso drew all the other people back to life so now every anon is back EXCEPT ONE, 💽🎞 anon (who we like to call dvd anon), dvd anon was underground when they got killed so they cant be recovered right now

But every other anon is back

Thats where the story is at right now

Ryu note: if dvd doesnt come back i will cry /halfjoking

[ch3rr13zk1n]

Hello! *pulls a dumbass idea out of my ass from last night*

It was a bit of an excuse to draw my favorite character as a girlboss but uh basically uhhhhhhhhh

gosh even if its mostly a text post i don't wanna embarrass myself

Uhhhh

ill just paste an explanation of what shorts wars is just in case one silly goober that doesn't know shorts wars accidentally finds this post

Shorts wars is a arg made by a bunch of dudes that make shorts and was created because of the clone accounts ( get it?? ) that steal their content. Basically when it started there were different bunch of QR codes that popped up on their shorts and when our scanned them they took you to a video where a guy named The Boss in a unpleasant gradient says that if they don't quit making shorts and rotting people's brains then they will get replaced. While a few listened, The rest didn't. And the other stuff happened blah blah blah. Anyways i also gotta say one of the creators was a guy named Danno and uh he makes shorts (obviously i mean this is fucking shorts wars what do you expect??) and he has a mascot character named Riggy who is a blue rabbit with red shorts, green eyes and a very interesting kill count.

and Preston/Clone Riggy is a clone of Riggy (obviously)

anyways time to bring out the other explanation

Why the fuck are they a girl here

well uh when i thought more about what Preston wants and thinks it sorta gave me the vibes of "possibly transgender" idk why it got that way but i sorta stuck to it as a bit of a headcanon

like idk man he's stuck in a body that looks like the guy he despises cmon man (ALSO THE DAMN NAME CHANGE!!)

of course, I have to note for the sake of not getting canceled by a twitter user that i don't view trans people as evil people. It just happened to be that i sorta headcanoned Preston as transgender because it felt that way to me

though what the fuck do i even know about trans people I'm not even trans

Also theres some deep very complex lore revealed in season 2 go watch a Datchia short or smth

ok cool anyways here's an explanation of the au

Ahem

Prrston feels like he doesn't matter n betrays the boss, After that he becomes the new uh boss or smth of the company

Preston also self reflects and realizes "Wait fuck maybe i don't wanna be a dude" and transitions

Why this story in particular?

because history repeats itself

especially when there's a possibility that someone from that time influenced what happened..

thats it ig

RAAA

(If you don't like this post then don't bother to say anything about it. I was already sorta insecure about this post existifnf)

(seriously i know i pulled this AU out of my ass and it might not really fit but idc man its my thing and i made the au)

(Also you're allowed to have your own headcannons i don't mind as long as it doesn't hurt anyone :3)

[sunnychuuya]

FUCK OKAY SO I SCCIDENTALLY DWLETWD THE OG POST I WAS MAKING ITS FINE THO

What is this it makes me think of the recent bsd chapters lmao

So basically I'm in the temple placing the booms

ASH FUCKING DROPPED A VASE THIS KS WHY K HATE YO UTAGHH

I put em all down- now I have to make it out. I don't believe in myself. My heart is speedy

NEIL AND MAPLE FUCKING DIE TOO GUYS I CANT HAVE ONEBOUNCE OF HAPPY

AhhhhHHH STUPID UGLY BOY THAT I LOVD

"I'll finally be with my Todd again" guys this game sucks booo I'm crying.

ASH GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. I THOUGHT YOU WOULD FINALLY DO SOMETHING, BUT NOOOO YOU CANR DO IT AND NOW THE CULT IS STILL THRIVINF AND THE WORLDS FONNA END.

SAL COULD KILL LITTERALLY EVERYONE IN THS FUCKING APARTMENTS TO TRY TO STOP THE SPREAD

AND YOU CANT KILL A FEW OF YOUR FRIENDS

I KNOW IT FUCKING SUCKS

BUT IS LIKE

IT HAS TO BE DONE GOD DAMNIT

just got the title screen for memories and dreams mmm ourple

Oh what da fuk

guys I'm. A L I T T L E confused to say the least

"Ugh never mind" great to see after murdering his loved ones and getting excuted hea still the same silly man

Why is this SO FUCKING COOL

LARRYS DAD?!

"I stopped nothing. I died for nothing. I... killed... for nothing." Owie ow ow owie ow ow fucking ow

SAL IS THE CHOSEN ONE

UR A WIZAR-

great a shattered soul

Guys pls I'm so eepy and I'm sure sal is too I mean heblitterally died- can u not make me go hunting for sjit

"There used to be a. Door here.. uhm there it is." Dkkdkd

GIZMO BACKSTORY

I think my eyes just started bleeding st the sudden artsyle change what in the mickey mouse fuckery is this

is that a fucking zelda reference is that fucking beedle (I might be delusional)

Purple thingies

I tried the microwave and TV and tried combining them wtf is the code

*cutely turns to google*

Thats painfully obvious.

WOW RHANKS FOR MAKING MY ENTIRE FUCKING SOUL LEAVE MY BODY JESUS CRHIST

Holy shir ig their making up for the lack of jumpscares last chapter H U H

bro idfk what I'm doin.

OH SBIT WHAT THE FYCK

GUYS I DONT LIKE HOROR

Wow trauma 😀 fuck off henry

AH POLYGYONS

ozohh spinnys again RANDOM BUTTON SMASH GO

the noise is skko aggressive I'm gonna cry

TRINGLE

PNCE AGAIN THE SOLUTION IS RANDOM BUTTON MASH UNTIL SOMWTHING HAPPENS

fcyk wait I might actually get it-

Nvm j don't:(

Fuck dude I got no clue

cutely gives up

Ill figure it out tmmrw I swear

@mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow

Im eepy tonight so not a ton

[ficyorick]

hi. I have a question. In BE when Billy started to have a desire (or whatever you call it) for Homelander. before New York and he just didn't realize it (and he still barely realizes it), in the last chapter Homelander thinks exactly that way. or was it born during a close encounter when Homelander was in a cage and remained the only real being for Billy.

GOOD QUESTION and the answer is Complex bc this is a very psychologically dense fic (bc that's the way i like it 😭😭😭😭 i WISH i could just write for two ppl who are simply in love but NOOOO)

ill split the answer in two parts to make it easier for myself ghifgh so:

BILLY'S POV - he was not into homelander at all until he managed to depower him and keep him like a trophy. he still doesn't understand what he feels for him and its a very weird possessive feeling, HL is basically his property but also his responsibility, he made him this way and he is also the only person keeping him alive (it goes beyond just giving him food, he's also the only person keeping kessler from killing him as we've seen in ch8). at the same time, homelander is literally what keeps him sane, he is the only other human interaction he gets (or got...) while he's out there murdering supes. this makes them insanely co-dependent on each other in a very strange way. billy is not ready to admit that he loves him, but is aware that he needs him and that what he has gone too far at points. in general, their love for each other in this fic is mostly discussed in terms of ownership

does billy realize homelander feels the same kind of desire ?? thats an even trickier question but he does notice him get more manageable, while still being the old homelander that he wants to have just for himself (so he's not whipped into submission, he's giving himself over)

HOMELANDER'S POV -- he absolutely thinks billy is obsessed with him and had to have been for a while, because he's very self-centered. also this is the only thing that makes sense for him because he also views love in terms of ownership (i think this is a new thing for billy, but for HL is the most familiar thing in the world). if you look at the way he acts with maeve in the show, someone he admitted he loved "in his own way" -- what he does, is control her. scare her, crowd her in, literally manipulate her life by outing her. and he does that because he cares (and bc he's a shitty person but we all know this). so if billy does this to him, it means he cares and he cares an INSANE amount to blow up a whole fucking city and kill his father to get to this point. that's just how homelander views relationships - in terms of ownership and utility. he was in a relationship with madelyn because they were useful to each other and she basically owned him (and he let her). he was in a relationship with maeve bc he thought they could get each other to the top and have a family together.

in bad ending, he is in a completely different situation, he is no longer of any use to anyone without his powers, there's no point to his life anymore--but billy loves him that way, loves to see the weakness in him and he NEEDS him to stay sane. add in other issues and isolation (another huge point, all of this happens bc they're sooo isolated and only have each other+internal voices to listen to), and homelander is more than eager than to enter another transactional ownership-situationship. he put up a valiant fight, but this is all he knows in the end

a bit of a ramble and idk if i made things any clearer but tl;dr, they were obsessed with each other before new york, just not romantically/sexually, but everything after new york compounded it into something Really Toxic and Weird.

[bloodsadx]

a motivational thing i do to myself like a world i choose to live in for myself that has helped me thru a lot of stuff is i like to think of putting myself in the chamber which is where if i socially distance myself from everybody around me and play a gacha game every day and listen to the exact same podcast and 2 albums i can basically force myself thru like 6 months of working on a project or getting something done by sort of doing what they do to birds to make them go to sleep or also what they do to horses to keep horses from killing themselves on various obstacles such as snakes or rocks or rivers but thats only one part of it the other part is the escape which is sometimes i put myself in the chamber too long so i have to simulate breaking out of the chamber by , what happens , is subconsciously , while im doing something else in chamber mode , ill be like, fuck the chamber, and im driving and im like yeah i love driving, and then i drive for like 20 minutes in a random direction, and then after abt 20 minutes of that, or maybe its walking, i take these like 6 to 8 hour walks sometimes, and after like 5 hours of walking, 20 minutes of driving, im like, you know what. i love the chamber. and then i go back to the chamber. so maybe if you do that thats good for you. maybe i will go to heaven

[trauma-bot]

ouuuu i need the lore... i love selfships so much.... nuze lore please.... if you want..........

YAY YAY YAY. im gonna try so hard to keep this somewhat brief to leave room for any more questions but we'll see how that goes <3

so to preface this E does have a toyhouse bio that you can look at if you're curious! it has a more in-depth look at his personality and whole deal. you can also look at his gallery if you'd like; thats where his references and other artwork for him are stored!

ALRIGHT. RAMBLING UNDER THE CUT

a lot of it is very much to fulfill my weird convoluted fantasy of "what if i lost all hope for a future that i exist in and was convinced that i was going to succumb to the claws of my trauma and rot there forever (basically dooming myself in my own narrative) thus becoming the absolute worst version of myself in what i believe to be my final moments only for someone (two someones in this case) to love and believe in me so much that, despite it all and despite everything that was done to me and that ive done myself, gives me enough hope to undoom myself". i'm normal i swear.

also just generally im a big big sucker for stories about survivors of trauma being there for each other, and in that way i get a lot of comfort from nuze.

SO. NUZE LORE... (once again shout outs to my bestie night for coining their ship name lol)

i guess ill break it down like this, starting with N/E. (alt. ship name being pupE love (coined by another bestie of mine charlie)) E knew N back at the manor and they were close friends then, N was the first person E came out as trans to (by that i mean. N helped E work through his tumultuous robo gender feelings in real time) and N was the only one E really felt comfortable around. (other than tessa! E was also friendly with V back then as well<3)

however, E was also badly traumatized by his time in the manor, and of course Canon Events happen. E, as a disassembly drone, is now much more muted, detached, numbed, and devoted completely to their directive. he's very very very repressed and his specific brand of memory issues as well as the fucked up memory dreams causes him to dissociate and spiral a lot. he also distanced himself a lot from N for reasons even he isn't entirely privy to. something in his hardwiring just told him that N would be safer the less E stayed with him. and N is!!! really saddened by that!!! its normal! E has to learn to not be an emotionless object and actually let himself feel and need and yearn, and N is a big help with that (uzi is as well ofc!!)

i have to skip past a lot of things for the sake of not making this post so many words long but regardless; N/E is really special to me because they are two people who are in a very similar and scary situation and have had to see each other get hurt or even killed in many clone instances in many reset memory files. and its the just. the willingness to love despite knowing what happened to you and even witnessing it at times, to say "this is not all we are" and break free from those iron chains despite knowing how much it'll hurt and how dire everything is. E is so convinced that its all worthless and he couldn't be anything more than what he's used for, while N desperately wants a better life for himself and those he loves, and he's gonna drag E kicking and screaming to hope and healing. <3

NOW. UZIE :3 (alt. ship name is angelfangz)

E is MIA from the squad until like right after episode 3 canonically happens and is found by uzi and N. uzi does not trust E at first not one bit LMFAO. she doesn't hate him but like. her only frame of reference for murder drones besides N is V and J. and also E is like. he's weird and says weird cryptic things and is not exactly the easiest to talk to due to how off-putting and repressed he is. at first E is like "why is there a worker drone. in the spire. and we're all okay with this" but after actually getting more context behind Everything he's curious about her more than anything. he has to be swayed into betraying his initial directive (kill all worker drones. yknow) only because thats like all he knows how to do and would feel aimless without it, but once he is he's loyal to his new directive (help uzi figure out what the hell is going on with this solver business). yeah he treats himself like an object that can only find worth in being ordered around but we dont have time to unpack all of that right now. he unlearns it later i prommy.

uzi is like. spitefully resistant to getting to know E on a deeper lever, but this is uzi "no bonding thing" doorman and she cannot help but care about E and be concerned about his behavior. she will notttt admit that however and stubbornly holds her ground. it isnt until post-episode 4 when E and uzi are fully vulnerable around each other.

uziE is. so so very important to me. uzi has been outcasted and isolated for so much of her life, she's been treated as a weirdo freak monster by her classmates and becomes outwardly prickly and aggressive to cope with how little affection and reassurance she's been given. i know she's internalized it to mean there is something wrong with her that everyone else can see, and its only a matter of time before those who actually care for her see it too and leave her. and i know that the events of episode 4 confirmed it in her mind, that she is a freak monster and everyone was right to avoid and hate her, even though she never asked for any of this. thats a very familar feeling to me- and by extension E. E recognizes the feeling of being made into a monster against your will, of fearing and being unable to trust yourself, and of feeling like its best for everyone's safety to hide away. E and uzi find solace and comfort in each other for that. they dont see each other as broken irredeemable monsters, so maybe they aren't.

im stopping here because holy shit this got long but THERES A LOT MORE LOLL. tldr nuze altogether is very very important to me and i could talk about them forever and ever. they love each other all so much and they grow and heal and forgive and aaaaughhhgh<3 im normal.

[remcycl333]

hi rem!! 🫶 anon no idea if my previous asks went through cause i sent them a while ago but update on those updates my 3d is changing like surprisingly rapidly 😭 basically since ive been seeing so much about states, the 4d, and your inner man i decided to give it a shot since i used to just ignore that info because it confused me. i realised that i purposefully change states alot anyway thats how ive been shifting into realities where what i want to happen, happens!! i gave it ago the other morning i just sat down and thought about my 4d, gave myself what i wanted there and went on with my day

- since then my parents have been crazy nice to me!! im like the trouble child i used to get yelled at constantly but theyre so lenient with me even when i do something wrong i only get a little scolding, my mum even offered to do my laundry for me and let me put my baby brother to bed (cause she knows i like doing that) literally as im typing this she texted me to say that she'll vacuum my room

- theyve been buying me a bunch of new furniture for my room!! my 4d room is way different and the day that i changed my state they showed me a bunch of cute furniture similar to the stuff i have in my 4d and i got it the next day, today i got 2 big shelfs and my dads picking up a new bed!!

- i was nervous about texting my friends because i thought theyd be upset at me (ive been awol for like 2 weeks) so i pictured my 4d, assured myself that we were all good there and then she told me she WAS mad at me but once i texted her she was surprised that she really wanted to keep talking

- my 16th birthday is coming up and we're driving out to the coast, i wanted to swim w dolphins bc thats a big attraction in the town we're going to but my dads really overprotective and said no. i was rly bummed so i thought about doing something in the ocean for my birthday in my 4d and felt better so i let it go, and then my mum found a snorkelling w seals thing that she got my dad to agree to!!!!

thats all for now im about to go look for birthday outfits cause ive already found the perfect one in my 4d and ik ill find it in my 3d 🤷‍♀️ anyways ur the best again what would i do without ur blog rem ly 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

omg!!! you're absolutely killing it!!! i hope u have the best birthday ever!!! <3

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for almost making someone die?

ok ik thats a lot, so ill try to start at the beginning. i (17nb) have been working with this one environmental organization since it was started when i was 12. ive devoted a lot of time to it n to seeing it grow, n when the group got big enough that we could rly expand to more places than just my country i was actually assigned to be in charge of running things here. i dont do it alone or anything bc i do have help from our real leader (40s m) n the people who run the branches in the 2 other countries we operate in, especially the one whos also been here since the beginning (30s nb), but its still a rly big responsibility n its important for me to b able to focus n not let other things distract me from my job.

a few months back, i thought it mite b nice to make my own account on the social media site where our group has the most presence so i could post abt personal things. i didnt mention my connections though (the stuff we do is kinda a bit illegal). it went rly well, n i ended up talking to this one person (20s f) who was rly nice, n we became friends p quick. the big problem was that she didnt like my group at all bc she was rly mad abt some of the stuff we'd done in her country, so there was kinda a conflict there. but some stuff happened, she ended up finding out who i rly was, n surprisingly she wasnt rly that mad at me? n she promised to keep it a secret, n it kinda went well from there other than it being kinda uncomfortable that she liked me n not what i do.

i mean, it did for a while. eventually though it became rly clear that talking to her was distracting me from my work, so my boss n coworker asked me to cut her off. n it hurt kinda a lot, but i did it. n thats where the story shouldve ended.

then i kinda fucked up. i was feeling rly weird bc of of smth that had just happened, n my boss n coworker weren't able 2 pick up the phone. my other coworker (??? i dont even kno this persons pronouns) isnt rly good w emotional stuff, but that was the last person i had to contact for support. n that person wasnt there either.

n i kno it was a mistake. i kno i shouldnt have done it. but i was kinda desperate for someone to talk to, n i ended up calling the friend id cut off even though i knew i wasnt supposed to. n she answered, n we talked. n i tried to go back to normal after that, but she started texting me again, n eventually i broke n answered her.

fast forward to today, n i just found out that my coworker had to try to kill my friend bc i couldnt control myself w her. the person who told me says it wasnt my fault, but if id just been able to resist the temptation to contact her again there wouldnt have been any messages for them to see in the first place. n on top of that, i kno that caring abt ppl too much makes them die, n i still let myself make that connection w her in the first place.

i mean, i think its p clear im the asshole here. basically the whole posts just been stuff i did wrong. but i kinda want to get confirmation, just so i dont have to keep thinking abt the thing the person who gave me the news said.

[unicornsaures]

urrrhhhhhvggggg i try not to make vent posts a whole ton but alas, ya girl is not doing so hot

tw// sh😁

guys do not do what i did and like. purposely trigger yourself with your own sh from a year ago because oh my god in. its. i feel so absolutely fake my scars were so much worse last year and now theyre just gone and i thought i was fully recovered its bren a year and. and im still crying over it and i thought i was done crying over it. I thought i was done crying over literal scars and i was. i mean i thought i was exaggerating when i said the closrr i get to the date ill br one year clean its getting worse and. nope! no, no that checks out!!

Its all my fault i got triggered in the first placr too. I knew what i had in my eyes only wnd i knew that checking it would only make me spiral and here i am just. crying over it. its sending me back to last year where its i just its only oj my hod i csnt be doing this again i really csnt be doingthis again ive bren doing so well and then. and i dont want to i really dont but im still tjinking about it and im still telling myself i want to but i dont i never did i always wanted to say ive been 1 year clean but i dont think ill rver even be able to make it to that point if i keeo self sabotaging like this. i mean t barely even counts ive basically just replaced cvtting with eevry other unhealthy coping mechanism under the sun but i should be better than this i shouldnt rven be thinking sbout it i shouldnt even be thinking that i can go back i shoulfny be in this situation at all and if it werent for me i wouldnt even be in this situation in the first placr ebcause i dont know how to keep myself away from tjings that i really need to stay away from

i really shouldnt be caught ip on this but its. i was. i was thinking aboht whag would happen if i would look back on photots earlier and and i knew i wouldnt be okay with it i knew i would snap the moment i did and wow its almost like forced recov only made me feel guilty for it and ohmygod kill me now i should be better than this i should be better than thjs ive had crisis called so many times ive been threatened by my parents for this so many times im worrying eveyrone around me and im only getting worse and everyone has to wastch me spiral but they cant do anything because im jsut too fucking oblivious to my own issues but im just too scared to readh out to anyone because how am i gonna say that i triggered myself without sounding like i planend this i didnt i swear i didnt plan to break down over this i promise i didnt mean for it i didnt want to cry over it i dont want to think abiut it anf i dont want to go back ive been doing sowell i swear im just worrying rveryone i dont want everyone to start checking in on mr in the morning just to make sure im still alive i font want people to messagr me in the middle of the night to make sure im not dead im so sorry ik so sorry

im just as tired as i was last year the only difference is thst im not actively trying to kill myself over it even if i really. wiuld like to thats besides the point the point is im just as weak of a girl as i was last year but last year i could at least hanfle pain now i just fucking snap whenever someone raises their voice or whenever i get. acut i break down and whenever i get hurt it only reminds me of the past 4 years that ive spent doing nothing but putting myself through mental hell and im realizing tbat ill never get begger i cant get better ive bren trying and i just csnt

i cant do it ive tried ive been trying why am i not getting anywhere why am i still stuck on the thought of sh i shouldnt be thinking about it i shouldnt miss it i shouldnt be upset that my scars are faded i shouldnt still have the ideas and images swirling aorund in my head because theyre always there and ill always have these scars and ill always br fucked ip and i wont ever be able to fix it ive had so many people worry and theyre worrying and worrying and i just dont care im such a horrible person i

i shiuldvr stopped for my parents they had to skin check me dsily for almodt a year straight and here i am just fucking itching to go grab something, literally anything just to go back and in so stupid im so stupid i did this to myself and im still being a pussy about it i shouldnt be thinming abiut it i shouldnt be crying over it whats wrong withme